Our children pay a heavy price when we lack consciousness… unresolved needs, unmet expectations, and frustrated dreams. Despite our best intentions, we enslave them to the emotional inheritance we received from our parents, bringing them to the debilitating legacy of ancestors past. The nature of unconsciousness is such that, until it’s metabolized, it will seep through generation after generation. Only through awareness can the cycle of pain that swirls families end. [The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary]
My little Buddhas teach me more than any two people ever have. About love. About my fears. About my battle with my own ego. About my struggle with attachment + control. I’ve never loved anything like I love my children. My love for them is way out of my control + scary, but it’s also the sweetest thing that’s ever run through my bones. [I know this is the same for most parents out there, so I apologize for the redundancy.]
Prior to children, I had a pretty solid Buddhist practice. And with a few years of practice, I had definitely started a beautiful journey of getting to know myself on a deeper level + I had also gotten into a groove with the practice of detachment from my ego… Then I had Lennon… And my crazyass love for him [+ now Leo Wolfe also] has my struggle with attachment on high. I’ve never loved anything more than I love these dudes. I’m now attached to living [literally not dying] more than I’ve ever been because I want to be here to teach them + love them. I also have these new attachments to this [ever-evolving] image of a life I want for my boys. With that, comes L O A D S of expectations on myself as a mother [+ a provider] + on them as individuals. If I don’t check my ass, my attachments + expectations put a lot of pressure + anxiety on us as a unit. My ego steps in + tries to micromanage every situation in hopes to keep our ship on track with my vision for us. As my ego realizes it has very little control, I can get anxious + even angry. I get irritated with this, because I feel like I’ve backtracked in some areas since becoming a mom.
I’ve definitely noticed that when I detach from my expectations of myself + my expectations of my babes, I feel this ebb and flow enter back into our world. But that peace only comes to me when I have time to process things. I have to be able to step back + see how my ego has started taking over in situations + wreaking havoc on my world… I have less time to meditate since becoming a mom, less time to get right.
I’ve realized some profound things about myself this last week, and I am anxious to dig deeper. I love nothing more than those sweet moments of transcendence. To be honest, it’s been a long time since I’ve had one. While I’ve been very happy + excited about life, I’ve kinda been in survival mode since Leo’s been born. I don’t get much sleep + work has been busier than ever + two kids hasn’t left much time for [personal] growth. But I feel like I’m gaining more perspective + awareness lately. [I freakin' love that about traveling!! It almost always leads to these major shifts in my consciousness.]