FEELIN’ IT // I felt it when I was young. then lost touch with it during my early twenties while practicing Christianity + then when I got so attached to science. [both swing the pendulum too far, claiming to know truth about such mystery + completely denying the magic of Gaia.] but my loverboys especially, make it seem so silly to think humans have figured out all of these formulas that invalidate the magic in all of this!
LOVE IS THE BRIDGE BETWEEN YOU + EVERYTHING.
Conformity is a survival mechanism. To gain acceptance [love] + success [means to survive], it often helps to go with the flow of the masses. I see this on a small scale with family + on a large scale with society. But conforming can be quite painful for some of us if it doesn’t feel natural to do/be what the masses are. It’s the fear of judgment that encourages most to continue conforming , even when it’s painful. I am learning that our judgment of others has very little to do with the person we are judging. Our discomfort is less with the person, but more with the mirror that is being shown to us, often a boundary that we need to hurdle//dissipate.
I absolutely adore my family + have always felt supported, but we have some major differences that make it difficult to understand one another. Growing up, I was a drifter. I couldn’t commit to one social group because not a single one felt right. I always had a lingering feeling of being judged, never felt that embrace I longed for. I felt a connection with a few people here + there, but it’s been a very slow process to find my people + roadmap. And with that lengthy process, I’ve acquired some major wounds along the way. It’s when I’ve conformed + sacrificed a far distance from my authentic self in hopes of receiving love, that I’ve acquired my deepest wounds. I’ve always pulled out of those situations + made it out okay, but some of them have taken major work to heal from. I’ve always felt more comfortable alone, receiving my love + healing from the Earth. Yet, I still longed for a community, to be loved + fully embraced in my totality. A lot of those feelings dissipated while I was in my twenties as I found new community on my travels + throughout my college years.
With getting married + becoming a mom, I’ve felt a new level of pressure + judgment; very similar to that old pressure I felt as a kid [to be something that didn’t feel natural or comfortable for me]. My partner + children can now also be judged by the choices I make, therefore I find myself making choices that don’t always serve me.
I’ve slowly been digging through every boundary I was taught. By my family. By my community. I’ve always been a wild one, but I’ve also always felt this pressure not to disappoint my family by being too different from others [my mom + brother are the ones that are most uncomfortable with “stepping outside the box” + are typically the ones that encourage me to do/be like the masses].
Lately, I’m being shown with great clarity the pain I’ve acquired over the years without a community that feels like home. Without feeling [truly] loved by my peers. Without having a roadmap that encourages healing + blossoming in my life.
Slowly I’m giving less attention to the generational gaps + gender gaps + cultural gaps + societal gaps that were giving me a bit of paranoia. Even if someone else is judging our differences [which I think I sense easily], it hurts less than it used to. I can feel that I am on the verge of seeing judgment in a whole new light, where it will no longer inflict any pain on me + instead be a source of great growth.
I think one of my greatest karmic lessons in this life is releasing my fear of judgment. And through the healing of my wounds + releasing of that fear, I will also help others heal + release their fear of being judged.
With much love + support from my tribe, I’m finding deeper layers of my authentic self, which feels like pure magic. Because I feel so beautifully safe, the armor of protection I’ve gotten so used to carrying has started to fall off + I feel myself softening. With new wisdom + guidance + roadmaps from my teachers, I feel like I am doing some deep, deep karmic work on my precious little SELF. So that I can build those bridges of love. Those bridges that actually connect us, not separate us.